I had a friend coming over this evening. We talked a lot: about my self-confessed crazy time earlier this year. I won't talk about that in public, so don't hold your breath. About making something. About making something for an audience. About his work. About my work. I can only speak for myself here. I do watch my visitor stats. I know when there is a little peak. I wonder about people visiting my work, watching it. I probably will do a survey at a given time. I do have to say to myself: i work because i like to work, i make things that i find interesting myself. But uploading work, the idea that other people can see it, it adds a certain tension, it makes it different to make something, it makes me think that much harder.

Anyway, it's good to think about stuff like that, better even to talk about it, with the added pleasure of a bottle of wine. So if you excuse me, i still have a night's sleep ahead of me, and i am kinda tired right now...

lfs, Ellen

15.00 CET - Friday April 15, 2005

Kinda scary waking up after a nice evening talking and drinking wine AND writing something down on one's website. Once or twice i woke up and actually got out of bed and changed what i made. Not this time, its not that bad. Never my favourite pages though - hmm, Britney singing Sometimes on the Ipod - *sometimes i run* - Anyway, i was thinking just yet, while i was combing Mr. Mouse and he thought my hand was an object for his personal pleasure, i was thinking about the importance of my website, the importance of me making something 5 days a week. Obviously, it is not important at all. I mean, who cares? And obviously, i care. It's a rule, a commitment i made, a decision i made when i started again in January this year, that i would do it like that. In that time it seemed hugely important to me - part of the crazy thoughtprocesses. And it isn't, but making myself believe that made me work again, and that, for me, is very important.

I may sound apologetic at times. Part of me wants to entertain, and then there are these parts which are fascinated with scribbles and scratches and doing boring repetitous things and accidents and so much more. The later parts - ooh, Cathy Dennis now, Touch me *i saw the equation*.

You know, it doesn't really matter. I just do what i do, i'm really happy this place is functioning again, i'm happy with the direction things are going. So all is good, and its friday afternoon! So now i'm gonna go to the gym and do some running while i listen to my sports-playlist, which i still gotta tweak and adjust for that perfect running experience.

cheers.. and have a good one!, Ellen